I am Totally Fucked Up In the Head

Right, so the story so far is that Ive been with Mr Dingle twice, i.e. I stayed in his place twice so far, and that's since Saturday. I really enjoyed staying with him on Saturday night, but found the whole lying around in bed till 3 on Sunday a bit weird - Im just not used to it. I would say that Im not the best at showing affection, it just doesn't come natural to me. What further put me off was the fact that all his housemates came in and were chatting away to us, while we were lying in bed (which was basically the two sofas in the sitting room put together). It was just, well, awkward for me. I left on Sunday and kinda decided that I wasn't going to see him for a while, just to get my head round things. He asked me over again on Monday night. It took me ages to decide what to do. I wanted to see him again, but I didn't want it to be like the last time - it was too lovey-dovey for me. Although I liked it, I just didn't feel 100% comfortable. In the end, I went over to his place about 10:30 and didnt leave till 3am. In between staying at his place, my head was all over the place. I knew that I found him attractive, but I wasn't sure if I could see myself 'with him'. It was if I didn't really know enough about him to know if I like him as much personality-wise, as he liked me. In hindsight, maybe its just that Im afraid of actually liking someone. For me, I had only thought about the gay thing from a purely 'sex' point of view, but had never really been able to visualise or imagine any sort of relationship, but like I said before, I think that type of thinking is just difficult for me, being as emotionally immature/innocent as I am. Of course, I did my best to talk to him about it, but ended up being totally inarticulate and sounding like a complete fucked-up-in-the-head weirdo. I just couldn't give any specific reasons for my actions as I found it difficult enough to understand myself.

I met him today for bout an hour up in college. We just had a little chat. I felt a bit awkward as I always do when Im around him. He said he thought that I only liked him sexually. I admitted that it was true, but said that I thought there could be something there re. personality too, but that I didnt really know him. Its like, everytime Ive met him its been in his environment, around his friends etc. It also felt to me like everything had been happening so fast - it was like we started off backwards - rather than getting to know each other a bit first, we just kinda went for it. With all this going on in my head, I just seemed so fucked up, which I officially think I now am. We kinda left it at the 'ill see you soon'. Then he txt me few mins later asking if I wanted to see him again... [to make it clearer and less repetitive, Im going to tell it in a 'dialogue'-type fashion, although the phrasing might not be exactly the same]:

Him - Do you want to see me again?
Me ~ Yes, I do. Do you want to see me again?
- Of course, but I wanna know what Im doing cause I feel like a fool
~I like you, but I dont want to hurt you. I think I like you physically but not as much personality-wise. But Im worried that if we leave it, I might be missing out on the chance that I could grow to like you more.
-I think we should just leave it. See you around.......
...
-I dont want to leave it. Would it bother you if you were never with me again
~It would.
-Maybe we need to just do stuff like go to the cinema to get to know each other
~I think we do too.

So, thats how it went. He rang a few mins later. We kinda idly chatted, avoiding referring to anything that we had just been talking about. We arranged to go to the cinema tomorrow evening, after college. So now you can see why I think Im totally fucked up.


I don't know if I should have just left it, but I think that at least its worth giving a go. I should really just keep my fucked-up thoughts to myself, I just let it all out by insanely ranting on a blog.

If You're a Reader....

Was just thinking about who actually reads this blog, so if you do - sign in the comments for this post. Please. Or else.

Is it possible? SHock HoRroR

Went to the lgb meeting last night in the end. Didnt arrive till 8, cause me being me - I had to go home, get myself a nice bit of dinner, and then beautify myself. That reminds me I have to get my hair cut - I really am starting to look like someone dragged me through a bush backwards, and not in a good way at that. When I arrived at the meeting there was about 12 people there, but I didnt recognise anybody from last week. I looked around desperately and was relieved to spot at least one familiar face, so I did the customary half-nod and half-smile and sat down. Ended up chatting to this older guy who was there, who I later discovered was actually the chaplain. Anytime I said anything to him he had this deep and meaningful "Im a really understanding/sympathetic" kind of looks. I hate talking to people like that. Everytime I finished saying someting he just sat there nodding his head, saying either "mm, yes, or that's interesting", and then said nothing so an awkward silence descended and I felt the pressure to say something else. Luckily I didn't half to talk to him for too long, that fucking mind-fucker (suppose i shouldn't really say that since he's a chaplain and all, but fuck that).

Anyway the meeting kinda broke up and a few of us headed into town. At this point I was feeling really insecure. Just because it seemed like everyone else new each other. When we got into the George, one of the 'new' guys who I hadnt seen before, but had definitely noticed at the meeting seeing that he was really good looking - tall, dark and all the rest sista! - came over and introduced himself. He was really nice, from Dingle and we talked for the whole two hours or whatever we were there for. We even swapped numbers. He had to leave to meet up with his cousin or something, and asked me to stay. Of course, I didn't. When the rest of them announced that they were going home after only two pints, I decided to go with them. I just wasn't prepared to sit there on my own cause then it definitely would have looked that I was well-keen in the Dingle guy. He had already txt me at this point so I txt him to let him know I was going. He really did want me to wait but at this stage I had left already. He txt me a good bit last night, and then he txt me again this morning - which was pretty cool. Im looking forward to seeing him next week. I don't really know if I'd be into him as such, but I found him really easy to talk to, and besides, my aim at this point is just to make some gay friends, which I seem to be accomplishing, slowly but surely. But I do get the feeling that he likes me. Which makes me feel really really good:)

Looking forward to tonight too. Although I have just recently found out that Deco's birthday is taking place in the Turk's Head. My disappointment is due to the fact that I think the Turk's Head is the smelliest, sweatiest place Ive ever been to in town (although there are alot of cute guys there). Just once I dont stay downstairs for too long, I should be ok. Oh and the last time I was there some absolute geek was wearing the same shirt as me - how embarassing. He even gave me the fucking 'thumbs up' across the dancefloor. Note to self: do not wear that pin-stripe shirt.

Can't really think of a title for this post, so I just didnt bother putting one up. I never realised that its been a week since I last posted. Not much really to post about, I suppose. Stayed in for the last few nights, due to the fact that everyday Ive been coughing up another little piece of my lung, although after downing the best part of a bottle of Benilyn, Im feeling much better. I'm still between two minds whether there's an LGB meeting this evening - but as far as I know they meet every Thurs. Im all set to go out with them afterwards this time. Last week I was too tired and wanted to save myself for Rob's birthday which was on in Doyles last Friday. The all seem pretty nice in the group - there was only 12 of them there last week, but it was a decent enough number considering that this year there's only 25 people in the whole society. They all kinda seem well-in-the-know and totally 'out' and on the scene, so it is a bit strange being a so-called 'novice'. Wore shoes and all into college this week so I can head straight out after college, but now Im thinking I might go home, have something to eat, shower and then come back in - my only reservation is about whether it's worth the hassle. I don't wanna ahve to go all the way home and come back only to find that there's no meeting this week and that nobody wants to go into town....but Im still thinking about that one.

College is going ok. Got my first mini-assignment done, and it works ok. I still haven't quite settled in yet, but I suppose I've three years to do that. It just all seems very anti-social, seeing as everyone is usually quiet, tapping away at their computers with their heads down. It is very hard to get used to it, as Im more used to the old 'lets skip the next five lectures, take a half-day and go to the bar' kind of attitude

Going out tomorrow night for Deco's birthday. Im looking forward to that seeing that I havent seen most of the lads in ages. One good thing about college is having the weekends off - so it means I can look forward to getting absolutely shit-faced tomorrow night!

Vodka + Lime = Bad Hangover

Went to the dog races in Shelbourne park last night with my old work. It's a yearly event and all the shops go along. I had a really good night, especially seeing that I won eur56 on one race with a eur4 bet and eur12 on another. I went out with eur50 and came home with the same amount. Had a good bit to drink. Had a few beers at the races and then we headed on to Slapperface Jacks. It was the first time that I had been there, and I was quite shocked to find that the place is actually quite nice, its just the people who go there aren't. If anyone wants to get lucky with a slapper in her late 20s-early 30s I would highly recommend it. There was one thing that did put me off - there's no cubicle in the men's toilets. I went in to relieve myself and was met with the most god-awful stench imaginable. I turned to see that someone had taken a massive, sloppy dump in the urinal (it was one of those urinal-wall type set-ups). It begs the question who in their right mind would slip down their trousers, position their ass over the urinal and let rip - and how did they do it without being interrupted. People are really disgusting. I ended up having a good few vodka-limes in the club, which I am severly paying for today. Didnt get into college till about 1 oclock, headed into town for some lunch with Ciaran, and am now back in college sitting at my brand new Dell computer, which is very nice. Probably going to spend the rest of the evening "customizing" it - well I've nothing really better to do. Oh, and there's an LGBT soc meeting on at 7, but Im still between two minds whether I'll go to it or not. I'll keep you posted.

One Giant Step For Queer Kind

I did dear Blog readers, I went and joined the LGBT society in college. It was one of the most nerveracking things I have ever done. I spent about 5 mins scouring the surrounding area to see if there was anyone around that I new. There was. But I said to myself "Should I really give a fuck?", so I pranced over to the table and filled out the forms. The most embarrassing thing was actually the big fluorescent pink piece of paper they gave me inviting me to drinks tomorrow night, which I quickly shoved into my back pocket. But yey to me anyway.

Hey Diddly-Dee, A Big Fat Cheque For Me!

Starting to get back into the swing of things in college. I still haven't got my computer yet, so have no real base to work from and I cant really start to do any work so I've just been reading over loads of papers and stuff. Good news did arrive with the arrival of my first big fat scholarship cheque, which is quite nice. Although it takes about 10 days to clear, I've already started to think about all the ridiculous things that I could spend the money - any suggestions would be appreciated. I was thinking along the lines of a big fuck-off gold house or a rocket car :)

Went out every night this weekend. To be honest I really needed some sort of release. So on Friday I headed out to the Odeon with Dee and her current beau, Rob, Mark and Ruth too. She wasn't annoying me as much as usual and was quite entertaining - which was probably down to the fact that she had a few vodkas when normally she doesnt drink - and I mean doesnt drink at all. I know, I couldnt believe it either when I met her first - like fuck the whole "I respect your decision" and just go get shit-faced instead. Did a little bit of dancin, but wasn't that much in the mood - the place was like a sweatbox anyway.

On Sat night went out with Dee and her friends from work to the o-so-glamorous Oval. Like I mean this place makes Doyles look like a style-wank bar. It's a tiny pub with that 40's style embossed cigarette-stained wall paper, painted a limey type of green. The couches were of the damp, beer-soaked variety covered in a hideous "twee" granny-pattern fabric and the ceiling was painted blood red. It was like I had been transported back in time, or even worse, to some shit-hole in the arse-end of Cavan. Most of the work friends seemed nice enough, apart from one girl who I'd met before at some stage while she was out wheeling her baby around. The girl is very pretty, but as soon as she opens her mouth its like her face has just turned into a well-chewed toffee. Aside from the whole pretending to finger herself actions she carried out in the bar, when we were outside the abuse she was throwing at a group of innocent looking guys was astonishing. It was something along the lines of "Wha' da fuck are ye lookin' at - did yer ma' drop ye on yer fuckin' face when you were a babby or sometin' ", and then to a girl minding her own business walking on the opposite side of the street - "why don't ya not wear any fuckin' clow-es at all ya slapper bitch, state o' ya". I was hiding my head in shame. About three of four of us ended up going to Isoldes tower (I know, I know), including this 24 yr old who had a face like a well-slapped arse, sporting a hair-do that was so out-of-date and unfashionable, it was practically prehistoric. I mean, it looked like someone had stuck a giant orange brillo bad to her head, and then covered it in hairspray. I know it sounds like Im being really mean, but it wasnt just how the little troll looked - she was a complete weirdo. Most of the night she sat there staring, and she only opened her mouth to make some ridiculously out-of-context comment. The rest of the work-mates went to Zanzibar as far as I know. Stayed in Isoldes till the end almost - it was just myself and Dee in the end, having one of our usual end-of-the evening little chats.

On Sunday I was woken about 2pm with a phonecall from Sinead. She'd just got back from the States earlier that week and so wanted to head out for a drink that night. I was absolutely bolloxed, but I couldnt refuse, so I went out with her, Rob and Mary. Went to Panama first. I have to say, I really do like the place. It was quiet enough, but we got to have a good chat with everyone although I could sense the tension in the air all night between Rob and Sinead. At about 11:30 we headed up to the Village. Mary and myself went ahead and let the others walk behind us to have their inevitable talk or whatever. Mary and I ended up stayin in the Village till last orders at 1:30 while the other two stayed outside for the night. As we were leaving, we met them outside. Rob informed me that they had broken it off, indefinitely - which was what I had expected was going to happen anyway. Went for chips when Mary remembered she had left her umbrella behind. When she went back to get it the bouncer told her that he had found it but had fucked it out across the road. She didnt seem to find it as funny as the rest of us. The taxi ride home was a little uncomfortable as Rob and Sinead tried there best to pretend that nothing had happened, which made it even more obvious that something had. Havent heard any follow up to the story, but Im sure it'll all work out ok in the end - like it does in every good Hollywood movie, cause after all, that's what life is, isn't it? Oh, I love being all philosophical, even if it is Mac's job :)