Good Times/Bad Times ?

I got some good, and some bad news this week. I found out that a proposal for a presentation I put in for a conference in Hawaii has been accepted. This means that I get to go to Hawaii towards the end of October for a week! Good times! How often does anybody get presented with an opportunity like this? I received confirmation when the organiser of the conference rang me to ask me some clarification questions about the presentation. He seemed really interested and enthusiastic about the presentation, so much so that he invited me to be a keynote speaker. Good times? No, bad times!


Now, don't get me wrong, this is a fantastic opportunity - especially for my company - in terms of raising the company profile - and to be invited as a keynote speaker is very prestigious. It's generally offered to people who have a lot of experience in research and in their field, and are generally considered experts in their respective areas. This is what makes me nervous. No, not nervous, terrified!

I get nervous at the best of times, when I give presentations. Generally, the nerves pass as soon as I start to talk and I ease into it. But this is a whole other kettle of fish than a simple presentation. It is an address to all the attendees at the conference, setting the theme for the particular session I'm speaking at, so if it goes badly, it's not as if I can slink off into the lei-filled night unnoticed. I know, as everybody has been saying to me, it will probably go fine, but it really is challenging my self-confidence and pushing it to the limit, so much so that after the aforementioned phone call I was on the verge of some sort of panic-attack. I literally felt weak at the knees and weirdly upset. As I've said I do get nervous and anxious occasionally, but nothing like this, and on the occasions that I have become extremely nervous I'm completely aware of the fact that it is nerves that are affecting me. It took me a while to realise that the prospect of being a keynote speaker simply terrifies me. In the past, if a talk didn't go particularly well, it only reflected on me poorly. However, this time around I'm not only speaking about my own work and findings, but I'm also speaking on behalf on my company, so I have an even greater responsibility to do well. This is the first time the company will have been represented on an international scale and as they say, first impressions are often everything.

To say I am shitting myself slightly, is a complete understatement.

In Limbo

I'm finding it really hard at the moment to get back into things, now that I've finished by Ph.D. Granted, I still have all my corrections to do, but besides that I'm technically finished college, apart from graduation in March sometime. I've been in the same place for 7 years, which means I've probably become somewhat institutionalised. The last year has kept me cut off from most of my friends, the older ones in particular (not by choice), who let's face it, all have their own shit going on, which I suppose is inevitable. And now that I'm finished college, it's going to be harder to keep in touch with the group of friends I've made in college (none of them work-related). So in one way I'm in a kind of limbo. I always told myself that I wouldn't end up being part of one of those couples who just hang out together all the time, but it seems almost as if that's exactly what I've become, despite my best efforts. Working from home for this new job of mine, is not going to make matters any different either. Speaking of which, I still have no idea what exactly I'm supposed to be doing for this job which I'm supposed to be starting next Wednesday. I should really get that sorted out. All this oral contract stuff has left alot of things up in the air.