I am Totally Fucked Up In the Head

Right, so the story so far is that Ive been with Mr Dingle twice, i.e. I stayed in his place twice so far, and that's since Saturday. I really enjoyed staying with him on Saturday night, but found the whole lying around in bed till 3 on Sunday a bit weird - Im just not used to it. I would say that Im not the best at showing affection, it just doesn't come natural to me. What further put me off was the fact that all his housemates came in and were chatting away to us, while we were lying in bed (which was basically the two sofas in the sitting room put together). It was just, well, awkward for me. I left on Sunday and kinda decided that I wasn't going to see him for a while, just to get my head round things. He asked me over again on Monday night. It took me ages to decide what to do. I wanted to see him again, but I didn't want it to be like the last time - it was too lovey-dovey for me. Although I liked it, I just didn't feel 100% comfortable. In the end, I went over to his place about 10:30 and didnt leave till 3am. In between staying at his place, my head was all over the place. I knew that I found him attractive, but I wasn't sure if I could see myself 'with him'. It was if I didn't really know enough about him to know if I like him as much personality-wise, as he liked me. In hindsight, maybe its just that Im afraid of actually liking someone. For me, I had only thought about the gay thing from a purely 'sex' point of view, but had never really been able to visualise or imagine any sort of relationship, but like I said before, I think that type of thinking is just difficult for me, being as emotionally immature/innocent as I am. Of course, I did my best to talk to him about it, but ended up being totally inarticulate and sounding like a complete fucked-up-in-the-head weirdo. I just couldn't give any specific reasons for my actions as I found it difficult enough to understand myself.

I met him today for bout an hour up in college. We just had a little chat. I felt a bit awkward as I always do when Im around him. He said he thought that I only liked him sexually. I admitted that it was true, but said that I thought there could be something there re. personality too, but that I didnt really know him. Its like, everytime Ive met him its been in his environment, around his friends etc. It also felt to me like everything had been happening so fast - it was like we started off backwards - rather than getting to know each other a bit first, we just kinda went for it. With all this going on in my head, I just seemed so fucked up, which I officially think I now am. We kinda left it at the 'ill see you soon'. Then he txt me few mins later asking if I wanted to see him again... [to make it clearer and less repetitive, Im going to tell it in a 'dialogue'-type fashion, although the phrasing might not be exactly the same]:

Him - Do you want to see me again?
Me ~ Yes, I do. Do you want to see me again?
- Of course, but I wanna know what Im doing cause I feel like a fool
~I like you, but I dont want to hurt you. I think I like you physically but not as much personality-wise. But Im worried that if we leave it, I might be missing out on the chance that I could grow to like you more.
-I think we should just leave it. See you around.......
...
-I dont want to leave it. Would it bother you if you were never with me again
~It would.
-Maybe we need to just do stuff like go to the cinema to get to know each other
~I think we do too.

So, thats how it went. He rang a few mins later. We kinda idly chatted, avoiding referring to anything that we had just been talking about. We arranged to go to the cinema tomorrow evening, after college. So now you can see why I think Im totally fucked up.


I don't know if I should have just left it, but I think that at least its worth giving a go. I should really just keep my fucked-up thoughts to myself, I just let it all out by insanely ranting on a blog.